just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
