I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
