I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
