My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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