i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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