I want to walk on stilts...naked
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
