I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
