I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
