im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
