i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
