fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
