my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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