i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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