how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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