a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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