I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
