he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
