Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
