Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just pee around me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
