Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
