and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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