I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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