when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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