Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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