I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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