Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
