when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
