We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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