you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
