his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
