I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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