I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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