I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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