Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
