I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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