New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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