dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
