Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If that was your dad, he is hot
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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