she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
