When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
