Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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