I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
