it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize