I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
