I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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