I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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