apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
