i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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