tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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