why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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