i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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