I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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