Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
