Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
