Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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