Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
