I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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