i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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