Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
