I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
