____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
