thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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