Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
